End-of-Life Blueprint’s Origin Story
The origin story of EOL Blueprint Advisors goes back to 2002, when I experienced two deaths of people who were important to me. In March, my then sweetheart’s grandmother, Bea, died at the age of 89. Six months later, my maternal grandmother, Aleta Irene Abbott, left this earth. While both experiences, as I remember them, were catalyzed by falls, the two deaths could not have been more different.
As I remember it, Bea, who had been living in an assisted living facility, had experienced a fall that resulted in major facial trauma and fear. Bea had long said that when life started to feel scary to her, she would be ready to die. True to her word, she elected to voluntarily stop eating and drinking (VSED). After her der daughter affirmed that she understood that implications of her VSED choice, she was provided with hospice support to ensure a safe, comfortable and dignified death. I was with my sweetheart and his family when Bea took her last breath in her hospice house. It was a holiday weekend, and the family had gathered to say final good-byes to Bea, and to share stories with one another. I remember Bea taking her last breath as the family was gathered around her bed singing songs like “Down by the Riverside.”
In contrast, my memory is that my grandmother’s fall kicked off a month-long period of malaise that led to a chaotic, week-long hospitalization. My grandmother, who I understood was chronically depressed, was diagnosed with some sort of advanced and terminal cancer (liver? pancreatic?). However, neither my mother nor her brother wanted her to know her diagnosis for fear that she would “give up.” I remember feeling deeply conflicted as my grandmother cried as she asked, “What is happening to me?” I was torn between wanting to be honest with her and wanting to respect the wishes of her health care proxies. My grandmother died in her hospital room, with two of my siblings sitting vigil with her, never having had the opportunity to say good-bye and I love you to me and other members of her family.
My work as a Hospice Social Worker and Death Doula continues to be deeply shaped by these experiences of two end-of-life (EOL) experiences.
Bea had what might be called a “good” or “satisfying” natural death that was characterized by:
Clear definition of her minimum acceptable quality of life (“When I start feeling afraid, I no longer want to live.”)
Informed decision-making about the timing and manner of death (“I understand that if I stop eating or drinking I will die.”)
Opportunities to bring closure to relationships through meaningful conversations, life review, and expression of the four things that matter most.
Death in a peaceful place of her choosing, surrounded by the people she cared about.
My grandmother, Aleta, had none of these things because of the choices made at the time of her diagnosis. My memory of her natural death was that it was characterized by secrecy and unanswered questions. Because the family was not allowed to tell her she was dying, we were not able to bring closure to our relationship with her.
If you have the option to control some aspects of your end-of-life (EOL) experience, what would you choose?
EOL Blueprint Advisors aims to help clients get closer to the good and satisfying death experience Bea had. We do this by providing education and facilitating meaningful discussion about the choices clients have at the end of their lives. We then help clients do the work to realize, document, and share their choices with their loved ones, with the goal of making sure the client’s wishes are realized as they get closer to their own death.
Reach out to schedule a free exploratory consultation with the EOL Blueprint Advisors team today.